I've made several attempts to clean Holland's room. I haven't been very successful. Sometimes it's because I'm too tired to do anything after a day of schooling or running around. But mostly it's because whenever I start, I find things that are a painful reminder of what life used to look like. He's been in several residential facilities and each time he leaves, I get a mountain of paperwork. Schoolwork, IEP's, notebooks that he used for school, and letters that he wrote to his peers or that he did for himself.
Each time I start to clean, I find something that makes me stop and read. It's painful just to see his handwriting. To see pictures of him smiling in a baseball uniform when he was 8. Today I found poems he wrote. I doubt they were intended for anyone else to ever read. It's a soul jarring, heart-wrenching thing to read your child's words when he was in such a depression.
I never felt like I had a thorough explanation of why he ran away from his treatment program over a year ago. The obvious reasons are not wanting to face the consequences of what he'd done. The more painful ones are realizing he doesn't think he should ever come home for fear of what family and friends would think of him.
"Plan for After Here"
1. go back w/ parents.
2. rent A 4 bedroom apartment In CA, Sanfransico
3. buy A house 2 story w/ attic and basement
4. build A house
Underneath his written plan, he's drawn several pictures of what the house would look like. He's got a first story and a second story.
I imagine him sitting in his room at the treatment facility, writing and drawing about life after "Here".
His writing doesn't seem to reflect concern with how his family would react to him not coming home.
The boy that he ran with had left the program once before and was allowed back in. Before he came back, Holland wrote this:
"If I run I know Ethan will try to stop me and I don't blame him. I just want to go to detention to see Samwell. I'm here on Ethan's behalf. I feel the responsibility to be here for him because Samwell is gone. I'm also here to do the treatment for the victims. but I'm on threats now be patient and calculating a time place and what I need to run."
What's even harder to find in his writings is a detailed list of what he needs for running away. He wrote tips and hints for surviving on the street. He made an inventory list. His calculated plan for running away was detailed in at least three different writings I've found.
"Freedom of chains"
I'm going to
Reclaim, I'm going
to Reclaim my life.
I will not be
controlled or provoked.
I do this for
Right of humanity.
We were not meant
to be controlled.
So we Rally
for our freedom,
our rights, and our
person, why do
you control me.
society and all
from my chains.