Writings

I've made several attempts to clean Holland's room. I haven't been very successful. Sometimes it's because I'm too tired to do anything after a day of schooling or running around. But mostly it's because whenever I start, I find things that are a painful reminder of what life used to look like. He's been in several residential facilities and each time he leaves, I get a mountain of paperwork. Schoolwork, IEP's, notebooks that he used for school, and letters that he wrote to his peers or that he did for himself.

Each time I start to clean, I find something that makes me stop and read. It's painful just to see his handwriting. To see pictures of him smiling in a baseball uniform when he was 8.  Today I found poems he wrote. I doubt they were intended for anyone else to ever read. It's a soul jarring, heart-wrenching thing to read your child's words when he was in such a depression.

I never felt like I had a thorough explanation of why he ran away from his treatment program over a year ago. The obvious reasons are not wanting to face the consequences of what he'd done. The more painful ones are realizing he doesn't think he should ever come home for fear of what family and friends would think of him.

"Plan for After Here"
-outcomes-
1. go back w/ parents.
2. rent A 4 bedroom apartment In CA, Sanfransico
3. buy A house 2 story w/ attic and basement
4. build A house

Underneath his written plan, he's drawn several pictures of what the house would look like. He's got a first story and a second story.

I imagine him sitting in his room at the treatment facility, writing and drawing about life after "Here".
His writing doesn't seem to reflect concern with how his family would react to him not coming home.
The boy that he ran with had left the program once before and was allowed back in. Before he came back, Holland wrote this:

"If I run I know Ethan will try to stop me and I don't blame him. I just want to go to detention to see Samwell.  I'm here on Ethan's behalf. I feel the responsibility to be here for him because Samwell is gone. I'm also here to do the treatment for the victims. but I'm on threats now be patient and calculating a time place and what I need to run."

What's even harder to find in his writings is a detailed list of what he needs for running away. He wrote tips and hints for surviving on the street. He made an inventory list. His calculated plan for running away was detailed in at least three different writings I've found.

"Freedom of chains"
I'm going to
Reclaim, I'm going
to Reclaim my life.

I will not be
controlled or provoked.

I do this for
Right of humanity.
We were not meant
to be controlled.

So we Rally
for our freedom,
our rights, and our
humanity.

I'm just
another normal
person, why do
you control me.

I hate
society and all
its rules.

Free me
from my chains.

Emancipation Proclamation

Every week we go see Holland where he is now living.  There is only one day each week set aside for visiting the boys and it's Sundays.  We usually have the other two kids go with my mom after church or some other activity.  This week Egypt got to go to OMSI with my sister and her cousin.  Romania just spent his afternoon catching up on homework and cleaning his room so he wouldn't have to pay his sister any more money to finish the job.

Since we don't get much time with him, I like to bring him treats.  He's still not able to have gluten, so sometimes we get him a milkshake from McDonald's or a gluten free burger from Burgerville.  Sunday I had planned on bringing gluten free brownies I had made from a mix from Trader Joe's.  I have used their mixes before and have always been pleased with the results.  My weekends are usually tight schedule-wise, so it was tricky getting the brownies made up the day before and getting everyone where they needed to be and us on our way to visit Holland by 1 when the visiting starts.

We were pleased to see he finally had his new glasses on and he said he had already finished 8 of the 9 books he received for Christmas!  I cannot keep up with such a voracious reader.  Never thought I'd be saying that about HIM!!  But after about 5 minutes of small talk, he asks me, "So I was wondering if I would be able to be emancipated from you and dad?"

It's always hard to know how to respond to him.  Sometimes I think he's trying to hurt my feelings.  Sometimes he just doesn't understand what he's asking or doing or how it affects another person.  I asked him if he knew what that meant and he explained it.  I told him I didn't think he'd be able to make decisions well enough on his own and that usually when a child is emancipated, it's because the parents are mistreating the child.  He said he didn't want to be under my control any more and wanted "more freedom" to do what he wanted.  I told him he would have to be able to get a job and a place to live, because if he was emancipated, dad and I would not be helping him with that.  He then explained his reasons behind why I truly believe he wants this: he wants to be able to go back downtown without any repercussions.  He's curious what has happened to his friend that he ran with.  He saw the life of downtown Portland as one of no restrictions, no boundaries, no mother telling him he couldn't do something.

It's such a hard thing to hear from your own child that he doesn't want you.  If we had been these monstrous parents, I might understand why he is asking these questions.  But, once again, I'm left with a bitter taste and more questions as to why we were chosen to raise this child.